Tape Worms and The End of the World
By Jonathan Aluzas
I might have to kill myself.? Yep, just might have to.? But not because I’m not happy with life, or depressed or because I am without hope. I might have to do this simply to avoid the Apocalypse, which I am certain is imminent. Now, people have been crying out that “The End is Near” and we need to “Repent” for years, so I’m not really on the cutting edge of this Armageddon movement, but I came across something recently that sealed the deal on this for me.
There is, apparently, some disagreement as to the specifics of the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse, but I’m pretty sure they include war, famine, plagues, natural disasters and the Four Horseman. And maybe locusts, or crickets, or something. Well, looking at the global scoreboard we have Iraq, avian bird flu, Katrina, tsunamis and, as for the Horseman, well, any combination of politicians from anywhere should fit that bill. Plus, you have Paris Hilton, TMZ and pretty much any Keanu Reeves movie and that should fill in any gaps. But the final seventh sign? It was brought to my attention recently, and it’s called The Tape Worm Diet.
This abomination of nature can be reviewed at www.tapewormdiet.net, and I’m not kidding. Now, I’m holding out hope that this is just an elaborate hoax, that someone is having a good laugh at our expense and that I will prove to have been the most recent rube, but somehow I know this won’t be the case. In visiting the website you will see that there is a fairly clinical discussion on the topic and a site from which you can apparently order hookworms and tapeworms for the treatment of a variety of ailments. But the one that leaves me slack-jawed and (almost) wordless is the proposed use of intestinal worms for weight loss.
I’ve come across some stupid things during my time in the fitness business, but this one takes the cake (and, apparently with parasitic weight loss treatment, you CAN have your cake and eat it, too).? I never fail to be shocked by the extremes to which people will go to look like movie stars.
I could go on and on and on, but I think this one speaks for itself.? And it got me thinking:? If I could get some people to bottle and ship simple tap water from Tijuana, Manila, and somewhere in India I’ll bet I could market the Dysentery Diet and make mad cash…..
Jonathan Aluzas is the owner of Arena Fitness in Encino, California.
